The Pursuit.

     I was not prepared for what would happen once we got to the hospital. We went to admissions, after which a nurse came and took me back to be checked in. I was starting to get scared at this point and struggling to stay at peace. I was not allowed to have my mom or James with me during the check in process, so I was alone with the nurse and started to cry. Contractions were made worse by my fear and I was tensing up with each one. I wish I remembered this nurse’s name so I could thank her for how she helped me. When I started to cry I squeezed my eyes shut during a contraction and she said something that truly helped me through the rest of labor. She told me to open my eyes and focus on looking at something across the room during contractions. Such a simple instruction that helped get me out of my head enough to calm down and remember the things I’d prayed for for labor, one of which, was that I would stay at peace.  The details are a bit fuzzy in some places, bu...

    The story of Levi and Caleb’s birth starts long before they actually arrived, on April 20, 2022.  It starts with years of hoping and praying for a baby, only to see negative after negative pregnancy test. Month after month of nothing despite almost 5 years of research, testing, diet changes, supplements, and doctors suggesting everything from iui to bariatric surgery. All of the testing James and I had came back normal. I tried every “natural” thing I could, some of which were great, like exercising and eating healthier. Still nothing. James and I considered our options and in the summer of 2021 I made an appointment with a fertility specialist to start medicated cycles. That appointment was scheduled for December 2021. I gave up and decided to stop tracking, stop “trying” and just wait for this appointment. I gave everything to the Lord and chose to trust him (again) with James and my desire to be parents.  In September 2021, my period was a little late. No...

Healing is not linear.   This is a hard fought lesson that I am in the thick of learning right now. How appropriate that @drdemeri would post these words today, of all days, when I got called off work and so have an unexpected break and time to sit with my thoughts and reflect.   It would be so easy to look at where I am right now in this present moment and declare failure. I could look in the mirror, step on the scale, and pass judgment. Failure. Not enough. It will always be this way. Don’t bother trying. I could walk down that path of negative thinking, a path so damaging but so familiar and get lost there.   But I won’t.   Sure, it’s so easy to type out those words but what is different this time? You see, I have a long collection of evidence that supports the former. Over 20 years worth of data that shows a girl who starts things, gets discouraged, and doesn’t finish them. What makes it different this time? Over the last 5ish years, I have learne...

I am really missing my dad tonight. Grief doesn’t make any sense and has a habit of knocking me to my knees when I least expect it. It’s not ok, but also, I am ok. What a blessing to love and have been loved so much! Mostly the memories are happy these days.. only they are bittersweet because I know there will be no more new memories. I will never get to see the look on his face when I tell him he’s going to be an Abuelo (no I’m not pregnant, don't get any ideas), and I will never again on this side of heaven feel the strength of his arms wrapped around me. I’ll never get to hear his voice again, see his smile, or hear his laugh. I often want to call him and tell him about my day or about something Bennett did, and then there’s that all too familiar pang when I realize again that I can’t call him.  We are not promised  tomorrow . Sometimes it all seems so unfair. I know my Papi is in heaven and there is great comfort in that. SO much comfort in that. But in the midst of grie...

“Joyful are people of integrity, who follow the instructions of the Lord. Joyful are those who obey his laws and search for him with all their hearts. They do not compromise with evil, and they walk only in his paths. You have charged us to keep your commandments carefully. Oh, that my actions would consistently reflect your decrees! Then I will not be ashamed when I compare my life with your commands. As I learn your righteous regulations, I will thank you by living as I should! I will obey your decrees. Please don’t give up on me!”  -Psalms 119:1-8 NLT One of my favorite people in the Bible is David. I feel like I understand him a little. He screwed up so many times and did things that many would see as unforgivable. So why then is he called a man after God’s heart? David was a passionate man. He understood what it is to be on his knees crying out to the Lord. He didn’t hide his emotions from God. He also understood true repentance. Reading Psalms feels a bit like reading...

What I am about to write is something that I am still learning. I am by no means an expert in this area. I am going to write about body image. I am in an incredible season of life right now. Engaged. Soon to be married in a little over 3 months. (*insert minor freak out here*) Because of this, I am in the process of moving. Tonight, I spent my Friday evening packing. I came across old photos from 10-12 years ago. These were my high school years. Of course, as I flipped through pictures I waxed nostalgic when I saw photos from mission trips, youth group, and family trips to Florida. When a photo was blurry I resisted the urge to tap it with my finger to zoom in.. a side effect of spending far too much time on my iPhone. Oh how things have changed. So many of the photos were blurry or dark. The photos that I would delete from my phone, except these are printed and saved as treasured memories. Disposable cameras don't allow for retakes. One thing I noticed while looking through thes...