I am really missing my dad tonight. Grief doesn’t make any sense and has a habit of knocking me to my knees when I least expect it. It’s not ok, but also, I am ok. What a blessing to love and have been loved so much! Mostly the memories are happy these days.. only they are bittersweet because I know there will be no more new memories. I will never get to see the look on his face when I tell him he’s going to be an Abuelo (no I’m not pregnant, don't get any ideas), and I will never again on this side of heaven feel the strength of his arms wrapped around me. I’ll never get to hear his voice again, see his smile, or hear his laugh. I often want to call him and tell him about my day or about something Bennett did, and then there’s that all too familiar pang when I realize again that I can’t call him. We are not promised tomorrow. Sometimes it all seems so unfair. I know my Papi is in heaven and there is great comfort in that. SO much comfort in that. But in the midst of grief, that comfort feels far away. It’s there, I can feel it, but it’s like being thrown a life preserver, grasping it and knowing you're not going to drown, but still having the irrational and sometimes panicked thoughts of someone whose lungs are screaming for air. I am truly thankful God promises to never leave me or forsake me. I do not question God’s timing, even though I don’t yet understand it.  Most of all, I am learning in this season of life to trust God in the midst of uncertainty and lots of scary, adult things. One of those things is how to navigate through grief and have grace for the process. It's not what I would have chosen, but I also know that God's plans for me are so much greater than my own and that, in light of heaven, these afflictions are light and momentary. I strive for the day when heaven feels close enough that the things of this world are pale in comparison. What a joy that will be! 

 -Jessie

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