Levi and Caleb's Birth Story. Part 3.

    After Levi arrived, time slowed. James left my side to be with Levi, (we had previously discussed I wanted him to go with the babies once they were born) and my mom came beside me. I remember seeing James across the room looking towards Levi and then looking towards me with a look on his face that seemed like he was split in two. I’ll never forget that look. 

My midwife broke my water for Caleb. This is where is gets a little crazy. As my water broke, Caleb’s cord rushed out or prolapsed. This is very dangerous, as it can cut off blood supply to the baby. It happened so fast but also seemed like slow motion. I hear my midwife say, “we have cord” and then it was all hands on deck. Adrenaline kicked in and I knew it didn’t matter how much it hurt, I had to get my baby out asap. Caleb was born at 5:07pm. A mere 5 minutes after Levi. 5 of the longest and scariest minutes of my life. He came out red and cried pretty quickly. And he was bigger than Levi at 5lb even. Similar to Levi, Caleb was briefly placed on my belly and then nicu team evaluated him. I did it. The relief I felt was shadowed by how suddenly empty I felt. My babies were no longer inside me. They were on the other side of the room. While I am thankful for nicu making sure my tiny babies were ok, I am still sad I didn’t get to keep them with me. 

Nicu brought both babies over to me before taking them to nicu and I held them both together for too short a time before they were whisked away again.  I was still in shock that they were here. It felt surreal. James went with the babies to nicu. Once I was settled in postpartum I was finally able to go to the nicu to see the babies. Levi was on cpap to help him breath. They were both under warmers and hooked up to so many wires. They were so so tiny. It was shocking to see my tiny babies who’d not too long ago been safe tucked inside of me, outside of me like that. Leaving them there was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I wouldn’t wish nicu on my worst enemy. 

They spent 13 days in nicu. I was kept another night in the hospital for monitoring. The day I was discharged and had to leave without my babies was awful. Birth wasn’t traumatic but the 13 days they spent in nicu were very much so. I still don’t like thinking about it. I cried more during those 13 days than I thought possible. No mama should ever have to be separated from her babies like that. We live in an imperfect world though, and because Levi and Caleb were born 5 weeks early, the nicu was absolutely where they needed to be for that time. I am very thankful for modern medicine when it’s needed! They finally came home on May 3rd. Before Mother’s Day, which was another answered prayer. 

There are plenty of things about my pregnancy and birth that I would have preferred go differently. I wanted a natural pregnancy and birth with as little intervention as possible. What I got was a high risk pregnancy with tons of monitoring, multiple hospital stays, and a nicu stay. Having said that, I decided early on in pregnancy that I would pray for things to be the way I wanted, but I would hold those desires with open hands and trust the Lord to work things out in the best way possible given the circumstances. I wanted healthy babies. I didn’t want to feel traumatized by birth. I didn’t want a c-section. I wanted to stay at peace. The Lord answered my prayers. Giving birth was one of the most empowering experiences of my life. I have never been more proud of my body and what it can do. I am (still) in awe of God’s hand in every last detail. My boys are now a year old. I still can’t believe it. They are healthy and thriving and bring so much joy. I adore being their mama. Happy birthday, Levi and Caleb! You are so loved!