Healing Is Not Linear
Healing is not linear.
This is a hard fought lesson that I am in the thick of learning right now. How appropriate that @drdemeri would post these words today, of all days, when I got called off work and so have an unexpected break and time to sit with my thoughts and reflect.
It would be so easy to look at where I am right now in this present moment and declare failure. I could look in the mirror, step on the scale, and pass judgment. Failure. Not enough. It will always be this way. Don’t bother trying. I could walk down that path of negative thinking, a path so damaging but so familiar and get lost there.
But I won’t.
Sure, it’s so easy to type out those words but what is different this time? You see, I have a long collection of evidence that supports the former. Over 20 years worth of data that shows a girl who starts things, gets discouraged, and doesn’t finish them. What makes it different this time?
Over the last 5ish years, I have learned a lot about what it truly means to be healthy. I’ve read article after article, listened to countless podcasts, and read dozens of books on the subject. Of course, I am nowhere near an expert, that is not my goal. My goal has been (in the past) to lose weight. It’s morphed over time to where my goal now is health for the long haul. I have learned that health doesn’t necessarily mean being thin and exercising. True health involves all of me, my mental health, physical health, and spiritual health. For so long even just thinking about all the things the “experts” say to do in the name of health was overwhelming because I didn’t know where to start. Hence, the cycle of starting, discouragement, and stopping.
On November 26, 2017 my life as I knew it was forever changed by the unexpected death of my dad. To say this rocked my world would be a huge understatement. I would say that the whole of 2018 was spent just catching my breath and learning how to be semi-ok again. I did a lot of inner work and wrestled through hard things with the Lord. I intentionally slowed down and withdrew from A LOT of things in 2018. Looking back, I can see that 2018 was actually a really good year. Going through it was rough, but the process was needed to move forward. I began 2019 in a much healthier place.
In 2019 I was introduced to the book “Atomic Habits,” by James Clear. I’ll be honest, I read a few chapters and didn’t finish it. I listened to a podcast where James Clear was interviewed and a seed was planted. The last few years the idea of habit change over goal setting has gained more popularity, so I’ve heard about it more and more. It started to really click in my mind towards the end of 2019, so when Hannah Brencher offered a free workshop on cultivating discipline, I jumped at the chance. I took lots of notes and towards the end she challenged us to create action steps for ourselves. My action step was to start going to the gym. Specifically, to start the 2 week free trial at my local BurnBootCamp. A girl who lives in my neighborhood had started sharing about her progress since beginning there and it inspired me to check it out. I made a promise to myself that I didn’t have to like it, I didn’t have to keep going after 2 weeks if I didn’t want to, and I didn’t have to lose any weight, I just had to show up 5 days a week for 2 weeks. I started on 10/28/2019. After the first week I didn’t want to keep going but noticed I felt a little better after my workouts despite how sore I was. By the end of week 2, my husband and I made a plan for how we could afford to pay for the membership, because I knew I wanted to keep going. I have been working out consistently ever since. I decided that for the remainder of 2019 I would not set any weight loss goals or any other goals. I would only keep the promise I made to myself to show up. I didn’t even have to have a great work out, I just had to get there. Getting there was the hardest part. Now, 3 months later, it is part of my routine. I never thought I would become that girl who likes working out and getting up early to do it, but I have.
One of the best things I took away from Hannah Brencher’s workshop, was to track my progress and collect evidence of the opposite. This is important, because on days where I want to quit, I can look at my progress and see how far I’ve come. I started journaling about my workout experience. I would write that I had shown up, I wrote when I noticed a particular exercise was a little easier or I didn’t need to modify it anymore. I wrote when I noticed my body change. I also wrote about the hard days and how much better I felt when I pushed through. It’s not been easy, but collecting evidence of the opposite has helped so much when the hard days come and I feel like quitting.
Into 2020 I decided to carry over the decision to not set any specific goals. I decided that I would continue healthy habits I’d already begun, and work on improving my nutrition. Around the same time I started working out I also began seeing a chiropractor. This chiropractor is different than chiropractors I’ve seen in the past, he has a more holistic approach. During a recent progress evaluation he asked me what progress I wanted to make going into 2020. I shared with him a bit of my health journey and where I wanted it to go going forward. My chiropractor suggested a few things, including a modified eating plan that is high fat, low carb, and very low sugar. It’s not keto, but it’s similar. He also suggested some supplements and intermittent fasting. I’m not here to sell you on intermittent fasting, BUT, it has been by far the easiest change I’ve made and I feel so good doing it. Before you message me with your concerns I would encourage you to do your own research from holistic sources on the benefits of intermittent fasting. I will also remind you that I am doing this by my doctor’s suggestion and following a specific plan that is designed to help my body heal from the inside out. I have lost some weight since beginning this and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t excited about that part, but that is not the ultimate goal here. I still have not set a weight loss goal and don’t plan to.
This brings me to the original reason behind this post. Healing is not linear. I woke up this morning feeling blobby and when I weighed this morning the scale hadn’t moved. This is something I am still working on. Eventually I want to get rid of my scale completely but for now it is a tool to track progress so I’m keeping it and purposing to not fixate on the number. This morning when it hadn’t moved I was tempted to think some of the old thoughts. I decided to shrug it off, put on my workout clothes and had a killer leg day. If you see me out and about today, I’m ok, just sore.
When I found out I didn’t have to work today after all, I got on Instagram. Because what else do you do with unexpected free time but get on social media? This is another habit I want to eventually change but that’s for another time. The first post I saw, was from Dr Demeri with the words, “Healing is not linear.” I needed that reminder today! I stopped and reminded myself of the progress I’ve made so far. I reminded myself of my “why.” I am struck again with just how true those words are. My body IS healing. On the inside. It takes time for this process and accepting this makes a big difference. I am learning to have so much grace for myself through all of this. None of this has happened how I thought it would or how I wanted it to. I’ve been down many times and felt like I’d ruined everything with my choices. But hallelujah, God is bigger than my circumstances and uses even the worst of circumstances for good. My faith has grown and deepened so much throughout this process. Hard things produce growth, just like lifting heavy things builds muscle. (I have never understood that more than I do now that I’m working out). So if you’re in a place where you’ve made changes but you don’t see results or you feel like it’s not working, press in and press on. Remember that it takes time. Habit change and consistency produces results. Make a promise to yourself to keep on showing up even when it’s hard. If you wait until you’re motivated or the timing “feels” right, nothing will change. Above all, have grace for yourself through the process.
I’ll leave you with the tips Dr Demeri shared on her instagram post:
-Set yourself realistic expectations
-Look at the big picture and how much you’ve accomplished, not how much you have left
-Live in the moment, be grateful for the things you have
-Do small changes each day
-Celebrate each small milestone
-Jessie
Comments