failure, freedom, and what God is teaching me lately
So tonight as I was talking to God, our conversation went something like this..
Me- I am afraid that I will never be where I should be, like I am destined to be a failure. It feels like every time I think I am making progress something happens and it all falls apart. Is it always going to be this way? Will I always be like this?
God- Yes. You are going to fail. But your failures do not define you. I am not disappointed in you when you fail. You are defined by my love for you and by the way you run to me after you make those mistakes. Your utter dependence on me is beautiful. I have designed you to need me.
It is so freeing to hear that. I am really learning a lot lately about trusting the Lord and allowing him to be on control of my life. He is sovereign over everything; now I am learning to stop pretending I am the one in control. Sometimes I get this crazy idea in my head that I hold my own life in my hands. Thankfully it doesn't work that way or else I think I would really be in a mess. Just in the last 2 days I have made a mess of things and God is showing me yet again that I really need him! At work today I thought I was really doing well and then at the end of my shift things got hectic and it sort of fell apart. I made a silly mistake that isn't the end of the world but I felt like an idiot. There goes my idea that I was on top of things and a good nurse today. But what's that I hear? In the stillness, God whispers to me that I am a good nurse when I depend on Him for my strength. The best of me is when he speaks through me, when my hands are his hands. I think that by taking the pressure off of myself to perform I am more free to walk with Holy Spirit throughout the day. Am I perfect? Nah. But you know what? That's ok. =)
The other place that this leads for me is giving God the keys to my life. Of course, I want to do whatever he has called me to and go where he leads. Lately though I am having to learn a new sort of surrender. What if surrender doesn't look like I thought it would? I thought surrender would always be this freeing, happy, and joyous thing but a lot of the time it's just plain hard. Surrender often just means being obedient. Yuck. Isn't obedience a legalistic religious term we use to tell people how they should or shouldn't act? Maybe sometimes. But just because someone misuses something God created to be beautiful doesn't make that thing bad. (Sex for example, but that's a whole other topic). Obedience born of love is beautiful. The more I learn about God's character and the more I learn and have revelation of just how trustworthy God is and how infinitely better his ideas are for me than mine, the more I want to do what he asks of me. It may be hard in the moment, but since when is something worth having easy? So I am learning to be obedient when it doesn't make sense or fit in with my idea of God's plan for me life. I am not where I thought I would be at 26 years old. But when I think about where I expected to be at this age I am so thankful God had better plans for me!
So where does that leave me? I'm just going to have to wait and see I guess. I'll keep you updated as I continue on this crazy pursuit. =)
-Jessie
Me- I am afraid that I will never be where I should be, like I am destined to be a failure. It feels like every time I think I am making progress something happens and it all falls apart. Is it always going to be this way? Will I always be like this?
God- Yes. You are going to fail. But your failures do not define you. I am not disappointed in you when you fail. You are defined by my love for you and by the way you run to me after you make those mistakes. Your utter dependence on me is beautiful. I have designed you to need me.
It is so freeing to hear that. I am really learning a lot lately about trusting the Lord and allowing him to be on control of my life. He is sovereign over everything; now I am learning to stop pretending I am the one in control. Sometimes I get this crazy idea in my head that I hold my own life in my hands. Thankfully it doesn't work that way or else I think I would really be in a mess. Just in the last 2 days I have made a mess of things and God is showing me yet again that I really need him! At work today I thought I was really doing well and then at the end of my shift things got hectic and it sort of fell apart. I made a silly mistake that isn't the end of the world but I felt like an idiot. There goes my idea that I was on top of things and a good nurse today. But what's that I hear? In the stillness, God whispers to me that I am a good nurse when I depend on Him for my strength. The best of me is when he speaks through me, when my hands are his hands. I think that by taking the pressure off of myself to perform I am more free to walk with Holy Spirit throughout the day. Am I perfect? Nah. But you know what? That's ok. =)
The other place that this leads for me is giving God the keys to my life. Of course, I want to do whatever he has called me to and go where he leads. Lately though I am having to learn a new sort of surrender. What if surrender doesn't look like I thought it would? I thought surrender would always be this freeing, happy, and joyous thing but a lot of the time it's just plain hard. Surrender often just means being obedient. Yuck. Isn't obedience a legalistic religious term we use to tell people how they should or shouldn't act? Maybe sometimes. But just because someone misuses something God created to be beautiful doesn't make that thing bad. (Sex for example, but that's a whole other topic). Obedience born of love is beautiful. The more I learn about God's character and the more I learn and have revelation of just how trustworthy God is and how infinitely better his ideas are for me than mine, the more I want to do what he asks of me. It may be hard in the moment, but since when is something worth having easy? So I am learning to be obedient when it doesn't make sense or fit in with my idea of God's plan for me life. I am not where I thought I would be at 26 years old. But when I think about where I expected to be at this age I am so thankful God had better plans for me!
So where does that leave me? I'm just going to have to wait and see I guess. I'll keep you updated as I continue on this crazy pursuit. =)
-Jessie
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