Silver Linings.
God is good.
Always.
This is something I am re-learning lately. Why re-learning? Because God's goodness is not a new concept for me, but I allowed the busyness of life to crowd my thoughts and temporarily take over.
I have admittedly been struggling within myself the last few months. I don't know if I can pinpoint the reason to just one thing, last semester was incredibly stressful with school, I moved back home and have been dealing with the craziness of living under my parent's roof yet again, I have neglected my time with the Lord.. I guess if I had to pick one reason for my struggles lately it would be that I haven't been putting the Lord first in my life. In neglecting the most important thing I was unable to cope with things that I should be depending on the Lord to get me through. I also began struggling more with some sin issues that fueled feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. Old lies crept back in and instead of rejecting them, in my weakened state I believed them. Depression, which I have not dealt with seriously since I was 15 years old, took over. When I say depression I don't mean one of those bad days where I felt down; everyone has those occasionally. I mean the kind of depression that makes it hard to get out of bed each day, that leaves you exhausted by the mere thought of studying, cleaning, seeing friends, anything. To me, depression is a result of hopelessness. That's basically where I ended up. Hopeless.
I am so thankful that I have an amazing church family surrounding me. They didn't let me hide even though I tried my hardest to do just that. Apparently I am very expressive and even when I try to hide it my emotions show on my face. Through multiple occasions of asking for prayer, and people keeping me accountable as checking on me, I finally have realized some of the lies I had been believing. I had fallen into a performance mentality as well, making me believe my value and worth was based on what I did rather than who I am. This further perpetuated feelings of hopelessness when I didn't live up to my own impossible standards for myself. Silly right? But oh so easy to do. The problem with me was that I fell into this slowly, out of my own desire to do everything with excellence it became a driving force that determined whether or not I was "good." I felt like I was sinning and subjected myself to horrible guilt every time I didn't follow through on something or didn't do something how I had planned to do it. The mind is a powerful thing and I was letting mine run away with me.
When someone finally pointed out to me what I was doing at first I didn't see it. Having high standards for yourself is good right? When I met my standards for myself I felt really great, the problem is my standards for myself were ridiculously high and unattainable. I expected too much of myself then punished myself for not living up to it. This becomes a vicious cycle that needed to be stopped.
Thankfully, the Lord is so good and so gracious and gently opened my eyes to see what I was doing to myself. What a relief it is to see things more clearly again! Such a burden has been lifted from my shoulders especially in making my time with the Lord a priority again. Even that was something that I made a rule, and when I didn't spend time enough with the Lord I was hard on myself, now it's about the quality of the time, not the quantity per-say. (Quantity helps but making that the most important part is dangerous).
Anyways, I know I'm rambling a bit, but basically I just wanted to share what the Lord has been doing in my life lately. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to keep priorities straight. Jesus knew what he was talking about when he said Mary was doing what was best over Martha. Mary spent time resting at Jesus' feet while Martha toiled in the kitchen. Martha was left frustrated and exhausted and Mary was left fulfilled and full of joy. Last Tuesday night after some of my church family prayed over me, I laughed! I got in my car to drive home and the Lord started speaking to me in that car and I started laughing! I was crying tears of joy and laughing for the first time in a really long time. His yoke truly is easy and his burden is light, so much lighter than the one I was subjecting myself to! There is so much freedom in surrender to Him and in trusting him, especially when we don't understand.
My circumstances haven't changed a whole lot. I am in the midst of the busiest semester of nursing school yet, I am applying for jobs and preparing to transition from being a fulltime student to being a working professional. There are a lot of unknowns in my future. I still live with my parents and have no way of moving out until I get a job after graduation. However, I feel so much lighter than I have in a long time, because I know God's hand is in my life and I am remembering some of the dreams He has given me for the future. He has good plans for me! It makes me excited to think about! =)
I hope you find this encouraging. If you're in the midst of a hard time and can't see the light of day, don't give up! Don't hide either, that doesn't help. Something I heard recently I think is a really good rule of thumb for our thought lives.. if it doesn't have a message of hope or love, it isn't from the Lord. I'm trying to use that as a measure for my thoughts, to help me differentiate between truth and lies. Recognize that not every day is going to be a mountain top experience, but that going through the valleys promotes growth and further dependence and intimacy with the Lord and the effort taken to get to the top of the mountain makes the crescendo worth what it took to get there.
That's my silver lining. It keeps me going even when things get tough, and helps me realize that it's okay to not expect perfection from myself. Jesus loves me as I am. I doing everything I do with excellence because I love him, not because my excellence makes him value me more. My value is not dependent on my performance or on how happy I am at the moment, it comes from the fact that I belong to Him. =) I get excited just thinking about it!
Be blessed!
-Jessie
Always.
This is something I am re-learning lately. Why re-learning? Because God's goodness is not a new concept for me, but I allowed the busyness of life to crowd my thoughts and temporarily take over.
I have admittedly been struggling within myself the last few months. I don't know if I can pinpoint the reason to just one thing, last semester was incredibly stressful with school, I moved back home and have been dealing with the craziness of living under my parent's roof yet again, I have neglected my time with the Lord.. I guess if I had to pick one reason for my struggles lately it would be that I haven't been putting the Lord first in my life. In neglecting the most important thing I was unable to cope with things that I should be depending on the Lord to get me through. I also began struggling more with some sin issues that fueled feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. Old lies crept back in and instead of rejecting them, in my weakened state I believed them. Depression, which I have not dealt with seriously since I was 15 years old, took over. When I say depression I don't mean one of those bad days where I felt down; everyone has those occasionally. I mean the kind of depression that makes it hard to get out of bed each day, that leaves you exhausted by the mere thought of studying, cleaning, seeing friends, anything. To me, depression is a result of hopelessness. That's basically where I ended up. Hopeless.
I am so thankful that I have an amazing church family surrounding me. They didn't let me hide even though I tried my hardest to do just that. Apparently I am very expressive and even when I try to hide it my emotions show on my face. Through multiple occasions of asking for prayer, and people keeping me accountable as checking on me, I finally have realized some of the lies I had been believing. I had fallen into a performance mentality as well, making me believe my value and worth was based on what I did rather than who I am. This further perpetuated feelings of hopelessness when I didn't live up to my own impossible standards for myself. Silly right? But oh so easy to do. The problem with me was that I fell into this slowly, out of my own desire to do everything with excellence it became a driving force that determined whether or not I was "good." I felt like I was sinning and subjected myself to horrible guilt every time I didn't follow through on something or didn't do something how I had planned to do it. The mind is a powerful thing and I was letting mine run away with me.
When someone finally pointed out to me what I was doing at first I didn't see it. Having high standards for yourself is good right? When I met my standards for myself I felt really great, the problem is my standards for myself were ridiculously high and unattainable. I expected too much of myself then punished myself for not living up to it. This becomes a vicious cycle that needed to be stopped.
Thankfully, the Lord is so good and so gracious and gently opened my eyes to see what I was doing to myself. What a relief it is to see things more clearly again! Such a burden has been lifted from my shoulders especially in making my time with the Lord a priority again. Even that was something that I made a rule, and when I didn't spend time enough with the Lord I was hard on myself, now it's about the quality of the time, not the quantity per-say. (Quantity helps but making that the most important part is dangerous).
Anyways, I know I'm rambling a bit, but basically I just wanted to share what the Lord has been doing in my life lately. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to keep priorities straight. Jesus knew what he was talking about when he said Mary was doing what was best over Martha. Mary spent time resting at Jesus' feet while Martha toiled in the kitchen. Martha was left frustrated and exhausted and Mary was left fulfilled and full of joy. Last Tuesday night after some of my church family prayed over me, I laughed! I got in my car to drive home and the Lord started speaking to me in that car and I started laughing! I was crying tears of joy and laughing for the first time in a really long time. His yoke truly is easy and his burden is light, so much lighter than the one I was subjecting myself to! There is so much freedom in surrender to Him and in trusting him, especially when we don't understand.
My circumstances haven't changed a whole lot. I am in the midst of the busiest semester of nursing school yet, I am applying for jobs and preparing to transition from being a fulltime student to being a working professional. There are a lot of unknowns in my future. I still live with my parents and have no way of moving out until I get a job after graduation. However, I feel so much lighter than I have in a long time, because I know God's hand is in my life and I am remembering some of the dreams He has given me for the future. He has good plans for me! It makes me excited to think about! =)
I hope you find this encouraging. If you're in the midst of a hard time and can't see the light of day, don't give up! Don't hide either, that doesn't help. Something I heard recently I think is a really good rule of thumb for our thought lives.. if it doesn't have a message of hope or love, it isn't from the Lord. I'm trying to use that as a measure for my thoughts, to help me differentiate between truth and lies. Recognize that not every day is going to be a mountain top experience, but that going through the valleys promotes growth and further dependence and intimacy with the Lord and the effort taken to get to the top of the mountain makes the crescendo worth what it took to get there.
That's my silver lining. It keeps me going even when things get tough, and helps me realize that it's okay to not expect perfection from myself. Jesus loves me as I am. I doing everything I do with excellence because I love him, not because my excellence makes him value me more. My value is not dependent on my performance or on how happy I am at the moment, it comes from the fact that I belong to Him. =) I get excited just thinking about it!
Be blessed!
-Jessie
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