being organized?
I need to get organized. Seriously. Everything about my life is in such a disarray. It's disheartening when I really take a good, hard look at myself how bad it is. Not only is my physical life disorganized, my room a mess, my car a mess, and my plans scattered, so are other aspects of my life. I'm 21 and have no idea where my life is headed, I don't know what I like, and sometimes even what I don't like. My thought life is disorganized, my dreams for the future.. everything. I don't know what I want, why I want it, or how I want it.
I don't know if I ever want to get married. Some days I really want that companionship. Some days I feel like I need a man in my life. Other days I am totally for remaining single all of my days and never ever having any sort of romantic relationship again, save the one I have with Jesus.
Some days I love children and want to be a mother, other days (I know this sounds bad but it's the truth), I can't stand kids and don't ever want any of my own.
Some days I want to go to college, be the first in my family to get a degree and actually make something of myself. Sometimes the desire to be financially stable and not have to deal with all the money problems my parents have had is overwhelming. Other days I want to throw in the towel and go to some far off country and be a missionary where all the money I receive would be dependent on God providing it.
Some days I love being an American, I love my country and that I was born here and have the freedoms I have. Other days I am sickened by the complacency that has swallowed my country and I want to move to Europe or somewhere other than here. Sometimes I want to live somewhere where being a Christian is actively persecuted. Sometimes I'd rather minister to the complacency that seems to always come with not being persecuted.
There's more.. but it would take too long to list everything. I get frustrated sometimes with the disarray my life presents me with, but then sometimes I welcome the adventure it brings.
Then I realize that not everything in life has to be organized. It's not all supposed to be. Life happens. There's not really a recipe book that tells you what ingredients to put in in order to get just what you want from life. It just is.
Following Jesus brings even more disorganization, at least to the world's definition of what being organized is. Sometimes following Jesus means dropping everything right where you are and just doing what he says. A lot of the time to follow Jesus looks silly and sometimes downright stupid to others. It doesn't always make sense and we're not always given the "why," at the time; we're just to obey. It's supposed to be that way and it works. It's called faith. What I'm learning is that faith is to a large degree the complete opposite of being organized. I mean, yes you can still be organized in daily things etc., I'm not talking about keeping your house clean or your affairs in order. I'm talking about life itself, what you do with it, where you go, and what you accomplish. I find it hard a lot of the time to not fall into the pack mindset that living in today's culture brings. It's so easy to make a checklist in your head; college - check, stable job - check, marriage - check, kids - check, eventual retirement in Miami - check. It's the American dream, to work hard, raise a family, do well, and eventually retire and enjoy a few good years before you die. Bah.. I don't want that at all. The thing is, when someone does something different from the norm everyone's head turn. It's like, wow.. what's wrong with her.
When it comes down to it and I strip away all other desires, thoughts, preconceived notions, and fears, what I want from my life is to passionately chase after Jesus as if my life depends on it. Because it does. I don't want to be caught up with everyday life and it's silly problems, I just want to gaze on Jesus and stand in awe of Him. That's really what it's all about if you get down the the nuts and bolts. We were created for worship. That's it. We were created to love God. How incredible is that?
Well, it's getting late and I need to get some sleep. Maybe someday I'll figure everything out, but until then I will continue to follow Jesus, even when it doesn't make sense and when everyone else thinks I'm silly or crazy or dumb or take your pick of adjectives. I'll still follow Jesus. =)
-Jessie
I don't know if I ever want to get married. Some days I really want that companionship. Some days I feel like I need a man in my life. Other days I am totally for remaining single all of my days and never ever having any sort of romantic relationship again, save the one I have with Jesus.
Some days I love children and want to be a mother, other days (I know this sounds bad but it's the truth), I can't stand kids and don't ever want any of my own.
Some days I want to go to college, be the first in my family to get a degree and actually make something of myself. Sometimes the desire to be financially stable and not have to deal with all the money problems my parents have had is overwhelming. Other days I want to throw in the towel and go to some far off country and be a missionary where all the money I receive would be dependent on God providing it.
Some days I love being an American, I love my country and that I was born here and have the freedoms I have. Other days I am sickened by the complacency that has swallowed my country and I want to move to Europe or somewhere other than here. Sometimes I want to live somewhere where being a Christian is actively persecuted. Sometimes I'd rather minister to the complacency that seems to always come with not being persecuted.
There's more.. but it would take too long to list everything. I get frustrated sometimes with the disarray my life presents me with, but then sometimes I welcome the adventure it brings.
Then I realize that not everything in life has to be organized. It's not all supposed to be. Life happens. There's not really a recipe book that tells you what ingredients to put in in order to get just what you want from life. It just is.
Following Jesus brings even more disorganization, at least to the world's definition of what being organized is. Sometimes following Jesus means dropping everything right where you are and just doing what he says. A lot of the time to follow Jesus looks silly and sometimes downright stupid to others. It doesn't always make sense and we're not always given the "why," at the time; we're just to obey. It's supposed to be that way and it works. It's called faith. What I'm learning is that faith is to a large degree the complete opposite of being organized. I mean, yes you can still be organized in daily things etc., I'm not talking about keeping your house clean or your affairs in order. I'm talking about life itself, what you do with it, where you go, and what you accomplish. I find it hard a lot of the time to not fall into the pack mindset that living in today's culture brings. It's so easy to make a checklist in your head; college - check, stable job - check, marriage - check, kids - check, eventual retirement in Miami - check. It's the American dream, to work hard, raise a family, do well, and eventually retire and enjoy a few good years before you die. Bah.. I don't want that at all. The thing is, when someone does something different from the norm everyone's head turn. It's like, wow.. what's wrong with her.
When it comes down to it and I strip away all other desires, thoughts, preconceived notions, and fears, what I want from my life is to passionately chase after Jesus as if my life depends on it. Because it does. I don't want to be caught up with everyday life and it's silly problems, I just want to gaze on Jesus and stand in awe of Him. That's really what it's all about if you get down the the nuts and bolts. We were created for worship. That's it. We were created to love God. How incredible is that?
Well, it's getting late and I need to get some sleep. Maybe someday I'll figure everything out, but until then I will continue to follow Jesus, even when it doesn't make sense and when everyone else thinks I'm silly or crazy or dumb or take your pick of adjectives. I'll still follow Jesus. =)
-Jessie
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