Transitions. Marriage. God.

Rhetorical question.

How do you know when you're ready for a relationship?

If you're not ready, but you've met an awesome guy, what do you do? Do you end the relationship because the timing is not right?

Relationships are so tricky. There are so many things that can go wrong.. so many opportunities to screw things up. I don't want to mess things up.

Here's where I'm so confused.. I don't feel that I'm at a place in my life where a relationship would be the best thing for me. I still have so much school left.. I don't want to be distracted. Having said that, I don't want to push people away. God knows best what my life will be like, and just because my life doesn't take a path I think it should doesn't mean that I'm on the wrong path. Does it?

I know that as long as I follow the Lord's leading on this I'll be fine. He's promised to show me the way as long as I listen. What I'm hearing right now is a resounding NO.

The timing is not right. I'm not ready. I don't have peace about this particular guy. Sure he's a great guy, but ever since I met him I've felt in the back of my mind that a relationship with him right now would not be God's best for me. That's not to say that a relationship with him ever would be wrong.. just specifically right now. I'm not ready. I know I'm not. Just how much I've been stressing over this tells me that I'm not ready.

So what do I do next? I don't want to hurt the guy.. he really is a nice guy. He'd also make a great friend, so I'm not sure that I want to cut him off completely. I don't know if that's possible though because the vibe I've been getting from him is that he wants to settle down. He won't want me to string him along till I decide I'm ready. I don't want to do that either. It wouldn't be fair. I just don't know what is okay and what isn't.

*sigh* I've been single since high school.. I'm kind of rusty on the whole relationship thing. Quite frankly the idea of being in a relationship again scares me half to death. The last one ended so badly and I did so many things wrong. I'm not sure that I even know how to do a relationship the right way. I know that I'll need a ton of accountability. Thankfully I have friends and family who are already keeping me accountable in this area. I'm blessed. But beyond that.. I haven't let anyone get close in so long that I'm not sure I know how. I'm not sure I want to let someone in. They won't like what they see.

That right there is one of the biggest reasons I know I'm not ready. I feel that God is still working on me. I'm not whole yet. Obviously I'll never be perfect, but I think I'm too selfish. Selflessness is one of the most important parts of a relationship. In a marriage the two become one.. I want to be able to give all of me to my husband, not fragmented pieces.

I was talking to my sister the other day about this type of thing, and it struck me just how important this really is to me. When I think about marriage, I want to serve my husband. Not be his servant... there is a difference. Love is an action and according to 1 Corinthians 13, love is a lot more than just a feeling. I want to REALLY love my husband. I know I'll mess up, I'm sinful, but I also know that as long as I keep putting God first in my life He'll help me.

Wow. Marriage is such a big decision. It's amazing to me that God set marriage in place as a picture of what our marriage to Him is like. It's really neat, because as God's bride, my greatest desire is to serve him and love him with all of me. I often miss the mark but "the righteous man falls seven times and rises seven times." The key is to never give up. Giving up is quitting and quitting isn't only standing still, it's going back the way you came. I never want to go back to where I was. My marriage with my Lover is only beginning and I can't wait to see everything He has for me. I can't wait to continue to get to know him better!

Lord thank you SO much for loving me. Help me to rest in you and continue to listen to your guidance. You are the light to my feet and a lamp for my path. Praise you!!! =)

-Jessie

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