Really random, but I just found out that my ex got married. I knew he was engaged but it surprised me that they got married so soon. I'm really happy for him. Seriously. I admit it sort of makes me sad.. because I'm still single. But I don't miss him if that's what you're wondering. It just reminds me of old memories. I can't believe I'm 21. Seriously. I feel like I should be further along in my life somehow.. like almost finished with college.. or maybe getting serious with someone and thinking about getting married.. *sigh* But here I am, 21, single, living at home, and not even half way through with college. =/

Okay... realistically I know I'm not that behind. I know plenty of people who took time off school to do other things. Just because I took a year and a half off doesn't mean I'm a failure. I also know in my head that being single at 21 is perfectly acceptable. Maybe even wise. haha. Somehow that doesn't make me feel better though.

I guess the reason all this bothers me is because all my life I've always felt like I'm kind of behind. Not academically or mentally or anything, but maybe socially. I tend to hang out with people who are younger than me, and it feels like everyone does things before I do. Okay don't shoot me, I know that it's not all about being first. It says in the Bible the last shall become first..

I suppose most of the time it doesn't really bother me. I have a sort of mothering personality, a double-edged sword, and so I gravitate more towards people younger than I am. Other times though, like now, I start to wonder where my life is headed. I get carried away wondering if I'll be married in the next 5 years, will I ever have children? Will I still be friends with the same people in 5 years or will we have lost touch?

Ugh. My train of thought then immediately leads to me berating myself for such thoughts. After all, God knows the plans he has for me, and he has promised to guide me every step of the way. God wants me to be faithful and grow where I am for the moment. If I'm pining away for my future than I'm not here in the present. *sigh*

God, I get so frustrated with myself sometimes. I know this stuff. You've reminded me a million times at least. Why is it that every time I hear of someone getting married or having a baby or graduating college I start down the same path of thought again? Jesus please help me to have eyes only for you. I want to be focused on you. Everything else makes sense when I do. Help me to be content, but pressing forward. I want to become the woman you want me to be, not based on any stereotypes or prejudices others may have or that I may have for myself.

-Jessie

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