Placing the Blame

Almost my entire teenage life I blamed others for my problems. When I was 10 and my life fell apart as I knew it, I blamed my parents for not defending me. In my young mind it was their fault. When I started cheating on my schoolwork in my early years of high school, I blamed my mom for not being a good enough teacher and not paying enough attention to me. When I had problems with my friends I blamed them for not understanding me. It was never my fault. I felt alone, misunderstood, misjudged, and under-appreciated. A huge part of my growing up years was clouded by these lies that I told myself. I believed that I was never going to be good enough, not worth fighting for, not worth anything basically. I saw everything through those shaded glasses, and it caused me to misread a lot of what happened around me. I don't need to go into all the details of my life but that's pretty much how it used to be.  

I've learned a few things as I've gotten older. First, I learned that blaming other people or circumstances for my problems never got me anywhere. All it did was make people upset with me, which fueled my insecurities, and it left me depressed and angry. I was angry at everyone, angry at God, angry at myself most of all. I hated myself and suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts for several years actually. I never told anyone because I was afraid of what they would think of me. I was a good pretender.  

I did finally get to the point where I was tired of pretending everything was okay and I started openly rebelling against my parents. Needless to say that didn't make me feel any better and just got me in trouble. This is when I finally started dealing with some of my issues.  

A common term would be to say I ran back to God. That wasn't the case for me. You could also say that God drew me back to him at this point. This is true, but it's not like God was drawing me to himself the whole time. It's not like he decided not to talk to me for awhile. I didn't feel him for awhile, but that was my fault completely. He was there the whole time. I remember purposefully turning a deaf ear and blind eye because I wanted to be bad. If I'm honest I wanted to be depressed. The next thing I learned is that I CHOSE the hole I dug for myself, and I was very careful not to leave a way out. Subconsciously I think I believed that if I was miserable enough someone would see me and feel sorry for me and help me fix all my problems. I desperately sought attention, not by being a COA, but the other way around. This didn't work either. See, people look out for themselves first as a general rule, and something I learned later is that everyone around me, my peers, were all caught up in their own problems. They cared about me to a degree, but when the rubber met the road they didn't care about me. How could I expect them too? They were young, immature just like I was. What I realize now is that I was looking for God in all the wrong places.  

Anyway, the fact of the matter is that things started changing when I finally said no to my pride and started listening to God again. I had been ignoring him for awhile, but he forgave me when I finally stopped being so stubborn, and I asked him to forgive me.  

Fast forward a few years. I'm still a teenager, no more depression or anger at God, but there was still the whole blaming everyone else for my problems deal. I had grown up a lot but there was still, and still is now, much more growing up left. 

I read in a book once that there comes a day when you have to look back at your past, your childhood, all the things that left you scarred, and acknowledge them. You have to say, "yes, this happened, it hurt me terribly," but you also have to recognize the fact that you are no longer a child. There's nothing you can do to change the past, but will you let your past dictate your future? When I heard that last sentence, it really clicked for me. All my life I had been blaming my problems on my childhood. It wasn't until I recognized that yes, those things happened, but that was over 10 years ago now, and I'm an adult now. It was time to start acting like one. It was time to choose whether or not I wanted to be a miserable adult, stuck in the rut of past hurts, or whether I wanted to be free, and move forward with my life.  

I chose the latter. It wasn't just about being free either, I also realized that I was shortchanging God by having a victim mentality. I basically was telling God that he wasn't big enough to handle my problems and my hurts. I childishly clung to them as a sort of cloak around myself. They were safe, we were well acquainted with each other. Letting go of them meant being vulnerable to God.  

Being vulnerable to someone shows a huge amount of trust, because it's showing them your innermost self. It can be scary, because there is usually fear of rejection. That's not the case with God. When I finally became vulnerable to him, he delighted in me. He showed me how much he loves me, how much he enjoys spending time with me, and not only that, but those old fears of not being good enough disappeared. To God I am good enough. He not only loves me but he likes me. That meant a lot because for me growing up I always knew I was loved. Love felt more like an obligation though, because family loves each other no matter what. I grew up hearing that blood is thicker than water and you never let your family down. I never really felt like I was liked though. With God I know I am liked. That's the cool thing about God, he fulfills your every need. You only have to let him. I love that about him. I love that I can show him parts of myself that no one else sees and know that he's still going to be proud of me.  

I share all of this not for you to feel sorry for me. Don't feel sorry for me! There's no reason to. My life, my scars, are no worse than anyone else's; my story is no more important than anyone else's. I share this in hopes that maybe someone who reads it, and is going through something similar will have hope.  

The lessons I learned, I hope they help. I cannot stress enough how important is it to realize that no one else can fix your problems for you. Maybe they caused the problems, but it doesn't matter. I know that sounds harsh, but most of the time you being upset or bitter only imprisons you. They've moved on with their lives, most likely unaware of the extent of the damage they inflicted. When you forgive them, move on, take responsibility for your own actions and thoughts, healing can begin. I don't say this for you to be all, "oh it's all my fault." The point isn't in placing the blame, the point is in moving on! To quote Lion King, "you've gotta put your past behind you." Lion King makes a good point in that as long as Simba was stuck on the fact that Scar killed his father, he was "stuck in the jungle." He didn't reclaim his rightful place as king, (aka royalty, which we are as children of the most high God!), until he left the past in the jungle and went back to his home. Even then he had to fight Scar and all that jazz but in the end he was victorious. You can be too!  

Haha, didn't think I could pull a sermon out of a disney movie did ya? =) I'm just cool like that.  

Okay enough with the cheesiness, to sum everything up, take responsibility for your problems, leave the past in the past, and allow God to love you and heal you, and let him whisper in your ear how amazing you are to him. Nowhere else will you feel completely and utterly fulfilled to the point of bursting but in God's presence!  

Last but not least, once you've been with God, don't let it stop there. Pursue a passionate romance with him!!! All you have to do is talk to him! You can talk to him like you talk to your friends, and then you can read his words, and in doing so learn even more about him. Example: when you are dating someone, you want to know about them, what makes them tick, because you're interested in them. Do the same thing with God! The more you know him the closer you'll be and the closer you are, the more like him you become! =) It's a pretty sweet deal if you ask me. =) 

-Jessie