I've been thinking, over-thinking... 'cause there's just so many scenarios...

Wow. Lot's of things have happened lately. Good and bad. Lot's on my mind as well...

I've posted previously about friends getting married and pregnant lately... and it's sparked a lot of thought on my part about my future in that area. Do I want to get married? If so, do I want kids? Is it wrong to not want kids? Is it okay to want to be single? How will I know if I meet the right guy? Etc. Etc. Needless to say it's left my head spinning. Marriage especially, it's pros and cons, marriages I've observed, (both happy and unhappy), weddings, and all things relating have been running circles in my head for the past few weeks. It's a lot to take in, a lot to think about. I think it's been good for me though. It's forced me to re-evaluate my priorities, goals, and my heart's desires. I think I've grown some as a result of good discussion with my family and some of my friends. I absolutely LOVE getting feedback from people about their views on things, and I've asked a lot of people a lot of questions about marriage. It's been very educational. =) I'm blessed to have people in my life who are willing to sow into me like that.

I've been re-thinking my college goals and such as well lately. No worries, I'm not changing my major AGAIN, haha. I've just been thinking about what the best way to go about my goals is, and have tweaked a few things. College is funny though; you think you have everything planned out and then something changes that messes up your plans. I've learned to really appreciate the word "tentative." In a nut shell, my plans for college are tentative. The cool and mind-blowing thing about following Jesus' plan for my life is that something He does things I don't expect. As of right now I have an idea of where I'll go next. I'm just waiting, half expecting Him to change things again though. =) I actually think it might be kind of neat to have my plans changed again. Change is good. No change = no growth. So again I say, my plans are tentative. haha.

Standards! Ah! I'm going to be 21 in 3 days. WOW. I can't believe it's really here. I've been really looking forward to/dreading turning 21 for some time now. This birthday has sparked a lot of thought as to what I believe about drinking. Of course. 21 is seen as a kind of right of passage by most, and it's expected by today's culture that 21 year olds go get trashed the night of the blessed event. At first I thought, "I'll go out to eat with some friends and order one mixed drink. That's it." Up to this point I have never been drunk. I've never had beer, hard liquor, or mixed drinks. The only form of alcohol I've ever had is wine. Once. It was at my aunt's wedding and it was given to me for the toasts. I have had a sip here and there of my parent's wine, but they rarely have wine, and the most they've ever allowed me is 1 sip. It says in the Bible not to be drunk with wine. (aka. alcohol). So.. I'm not going to get drunk, but my thoughts on this go beyond just, "don't get drunk." I have no real desire to drink. I have plenty of fun without the influence of alcohol, so why change something that works? Also, alcoholism runs on both sides of my family, and I have an addictive personality. I need to be extra careful. Another also, is that even though I believe it's okay to "have a drink," I don't believe it's very wise. Sure, maybe it won't hurt anything, it'll just loosen you up a tad, but what is it helping exactly? Why should I need a drink to help loosen me up? So having said all that, I'm still deciding what my feelings are on the matter for me personally. I won't lie, a part of me would like to just try it. But like I said, is that wise? Not really. So in the end, I think the verdict is that I'm not going to drink, even though in 3 days time I will legally be allowed to. As a side note, I talked to my parents about this whole thing, and they said that if I wanted a glass of wine during our family dinner at home that would be fine, and my parents would have some with me. I haven't decided if I'll take them up on that one yet.. haha. 

My grandparents from Canada are visiting. My mom's side of the family. It's been so nice to have them here, they're both very godly and I really look up to them. It's been difference this time though, because my grandpa has Alzheimer's. He is still in the beginning stages, but this is the worst I've seen him. It makes me really sad because it's like sometimes he's there and sometimes he's not. He lost his digital camera at my uncle's house last week and we still haven't been able to find it. He LOVES taking pictures and has been very upset about it. My mom gave him her old film camera, and he's been taking pictures ever since he got it. =) My grandma has been trying to make sure she keeps track of where he puts it so that he doesn't lose it. She tells him to always put it back in the suitcase when he's done with it so that he will know where it is. Tonight he left it on the kitchen table. He was in his room piddling around and the rest of us were in the living room talking when we realized it was there. When my grandpa came out my grandma asked him where his camera was. He said he thought it was in the suitcase. But it wasn't, it was right there in front of him. It wasn't a scene or anything, but it was like I watched the whole thing unfold in slow motion. From my mom noticing the camera and mentioning it to my grandma, to my grandma testing my grandpa's memory by asking him where it was.. then him failing to remember that he had left it on the kitchen table less than 10 minutes ago. It made me cry. It's so hard for me to see him deteriorate like that, and it's even harder to watch my grandma be so patient with him. I can't imagine how she feels to watch her husband slowly go away somewhere like that. I hate it. Alzheimer's is such a mean disease. It robs the person's mind piece by piece but doesn't have the decency to take their health until the very end. People with Alzheimer's are often very healthy physically, until the very end. Sometimes I wish I didn't know as much about Alzheimer's as I do... I've done several detailed studies of it. =( The thing about it is, that while it's robbing them of their mind, during lucid moments they fully realize what is happening to them, and often live in fear of what they are going to forget next. They spend time with family and friends, people they love, but don't know if in 5 minutes they're going to remember who they are. It's very scary to watch yourself "lose your mind." I could go on but I don't really want to think about the rest of it right now. =( It's so hard to watch. 

Well, that's just a taste of what's been going on in my mind lately. On a side note, I got straight A's this semester, I've lost some weight and I'm still losing! =) I also dyed my hair tonight. I've had it red on the top and black on the bottom but the red grows out too fast. I dyed it all back to my natural dark brown. I had my sister do it though and I don't like it. She missed a few spots, and it's also like jet black on the top right now. I hope it fades. I'll have to have my mom color it for me again to fix what my sister missed. In her defense she'd never done it before though... she did well considering. =)

Alrighty I'm headed to bed. Goodnight world!

-Jessie